Kotaku Census 2010: You, Gamer [Research]

OK, we are done with the tangible stuff. The machines you own, the games you play. To finish off our census, we're going to dig a little deeper. More »

Announcing our PAX East Party: Come Drink AND Eat [Penny Arcade Expo East]

So all of the neat things you find out when reading Kotaku on a Friday night? Take for instance news that we'll be hosting our own open-bar party at Penny Arcade Expo East in Boston next week. More »

Pole Dancing at the Game Developers Conference [Clips]

As we mentioned earlier this week, GDC got some class this year with some pole-dancing, clothes-on erotic dancers. More »

First Impressions Of The Kane & Lynch Movie Script: A Quick Look [Hollywood]

I've been slowly reading through a draft of the big screen adaptation of IO Interactive's Kane & Lynch today, the movie set to star Bruce Willis as Kane, Jamie Foxx as Lynch. Screenwriter Kyle Ward has done some... interesting things. More »

Kotaku Off Topic: Raw Thrills [How Is This News?]

It's Friday night and we're feeling a little "off topic" right now, so let's take a sharp turn from our regularly scheduled video game conversation and discuss other nerdy delights: film, music, comics, science, food, whatever you choose. More »

PSP Still Winning The War In Japan [Console Taisen]

The PlayStation Portable may not have had another stellar performance on par with its showing in Japan last week, but the PSP is still resting comfortably atop the country's hardware chart. More »

Game Developers Conference 2010, As Told To Twitter [Syndicated]

What was everybody (on Twitter) talking about during this year's GDC? Game researcher Jesper Juul offers his annual look at the most tweeted highlights from the week of GDC, during which "pocket protector" was a surprisingly hot topic. More »

Beyond Sonic The Hedgehog: These May Be The New Sega All-Stars [Sega]

Sonic the Hedgehog may be Sega's most recognizable cash cow—those Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games titles are huge—but the successes of Bayonetta, Total War and Football Manager may represent a new wave of Sega franchises. More »

Everybody Loves The Panda [Note]

From: McWhertor More »

Pikmin 3 "Well Underway" Says Miyamoto [Wii]

Nintendo designer and Donkey Kong creator Shigeru Miyamoto was in London today to pick up his BAFTA fellowship award, an honor he reciprocated by delivering his acceptance speech in pure English. What did Miyamoto have to say, specifically about Pikmin? More »

BlazBlue: Continuum Shift Keeps 2D Fighting Alive This Summer [BlazBlue]

Fans of the two-dimensional fighting game will get their fisticuffs fix with the release of BlazBlue: Continuum Shift on PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360 this summer, the follow up to last year's BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger. More »

What Are You Playing This Weekend? [Lazy Sundays]

What else? God of War III was released this week and, despite my initial apathy toward playing through another God of War game, I'm excited. That's why I'll be trading in a bunch of games this weekend. More »

The Tester, Episode 5: Tinned Pies and Canned Laughter

Previously on The Tester, the Death Panel voted out Luge for the sin of not having learned how to LARP during her sheltered Brooklyn childhood.

She was cast to the wolves, by which I mean panelists David Jaffe and Katherine De León, who smothered her with honey barbecue sauce and ate her the minute the cameras went off.

As we open on the latest episode of Sony’s downloadable reality show, in which one contestant will “win” an entry-level job “playing” “games” and filling out spreadsheets, the remaining six competitors all share a good cry over their departed companion.

Doc is too sad to even have Cheerios with his beer. “They should have [bleep]ing sent Star home, dude,” he says. “It’s like we’re the sole survivors and the zombies are eating us one at a time.”

Yes, yes. “Zombies.”

Faced with the loss of Luge, the remaining contestants begin to ponder their own mortality, finally coming to the realization that while five of them will win the game and not have to work at Sony, one of them will face a fate worse than death. Eyes dart around the room as they size up the competition.

But wait! There’s no time for that, because another message has just come through the PlayStation Network. Nauseous reads the message while wearing a fashionable argyle sweater, knitted for him by his grandparents Senile and Incontinent.

Apparently, this time the team will be tested on their intelligence, assuming that they have any left after the previous four challenges.

The remaining members of the supersecret alliance, Doc, Amped and Cyrus are on a team together, versus Nauseous, Star and Big D. Arriving at the tester lab, the PlayStation Paradise dwellers find that it has been crudely remade into something resembling a Buzz trivia game show set.

“The first thing I ever did was host a game show,” says celebrity panelist Hal Sparks. And how far he has come, ladies and gentlemen, from his earliest days as the host of a game show all the way to today, where he is the host of a game show.

The studio audience laughs and applauds for the Death Panel. Wait, what? They can’t fit a studio audience into the shed. Oh, I see: In The Tester’s eight-week long search for the bottom of the barrel, they’ve scraped through yet another layer of congealed stale cliches and found canned laughter.

The two teams will pick players to face off in head-to-head trivia challenges in three PlayStation-oriented categories. Incredibly, after four episodes, the producers of The Tester have actually found a challenge design that is moderately entertaining, because we the viewers can tell what’s happening. Three rounds of five questions each, winner is the team with the most number of points at the end of three rounds.

Again, I’ll spare you the blow-by-blow. Doc picks up three points to Big D’s two in the “All Things PlayStation” round, by virtue of knowing that the blue light on the front of the PS3 signifies that a disc has been inserted, which even I didn’t know. That said, they did both miss the “Who Is the Father of the PlayStation?” question (answer: Bernie Stolar).

Nauseous and Amped go up next, in the “Sports and Racing” category. Powered by his magic sweater vest, Nauseous stomps all over Amped, answering esoteric questions like “Name the two featured marquee boxers in Fight Night Round 4.”

Doc wipes the sweat off his forehead with his tie.

In the final round, it’s Cyrus vs. Star. Cyrus needs four out of five points to win. Star gets one question right, tightening the gap, but Cyrus rocks the living hell out of her, getting all the rest. Looks like Star’s on the chopping block again, right?

Right?

Well, before that happens, the losers get a pie in the face.

“Wait, are you serious,” Star asks with a look of utter disbelief on her soon-to-be-pied face. This is the question we’ve been asking all season. Yes, Star, yes, they seriously put you in a hamster ball, they seriously made you LARP and now they are seriously going to put a pie in your face.

“Why so serious?” laughs panelist Brent Gocke. The fake audience laughs. The real audience scratches its head. Sparks mentally kicks himself for not thinking of an overplayed pop culture reference first.

Back in the shed, Star heads to the bathroom to wash the non-dairy whipped topping of humiliation out of the 38 different individual holes in her face before heading into the Death Panel to face her all-but-determined fate.

Star has now been the mathematically worst performer in two consecutive challenges. So the Panel wastes absolutely no time ripping into… Big D. See, Big D got more questions right than Star, but Star went up against Cyrus, who was really good, therefore she didn’t do the worst! Get it? I don’t get it.

Anyway, to settle this nonexistent debate over who did the least bad, the panel has come up with some trivia questions to ask the losers. They start with Star.

Q. Who is the main protagonist in Final Fantasy VIII?

A. “Squall.” That’s one point for Star.

Q. What year was the PlayStation 3 released?

A. Star has absolutely no goddamned idea.

Q. “Guitar Hero is a big game. From the top of the guitar neck…”

A. “Greenredyellowblueorange,” says one of the best Guitar Hero players in the world, a fact that could not possibly be unknown to the Panel.

Q. What is Brent’s job title?

A. Shrug!

Anyway, that’s two out of four questions for Star. If you’re keeping track, that’s 2 points Star, 0 points Big D. And since Star has more points than Big D, she gets to stay and he has to go home. What’s that, you say? They didn’t ask him any questions? Clearly you don’t know how this works. Big D is shown the door. He doesn’t even get to keep the barbarian costume.

“I have to show them that I’m worth all of these extra chances that I’m being given,” Star says. “I’ve been in the bottom more times than I can count.”

NEXT WEEK ON THE TESTER: The supersecret alliance tries to “throw Star under the bus” after playing paintball (host Meredith Molinari: “Now, everybody knows that one of the most important things about being a game tester is shooting other people with globs of orange paint…”).

Will they succeed? Spoiler: No, because the pre-release trailer for the full season shows another challenge, in which the only competitors are Star, Cyrus, Amped and Nauseous. This ham-fisted bit of editing dumbassery means that we already know Doc is the next would-be tester to lose his seat in PlayStation Paradise.

But don’t worry; since another challenge is shown in the same trailer in which only Nauseous, Cyrus and Amped are visible, we know that Star goes home in episode 7.

You can cut the tension with a spork.

Images: Wired.com

<< The Tester: Episode 4 | The Tester: Episode 5 | The Tester: Episode 6 >>

Review Round-Up: Yakuza Greed, Street Fighter Max [List]

With the use of some red ink and some blue ink, we reviewed some video games this week. Links to the results are below. How'd we do? More »

To Do In Atlanta: Momocon - Anime, Comics, Gaming, And Kotaku [Events]

If you're in the Atlanta area this weekend, you'd be remiss if you didn't stop by MomoCon, the largest free admission fan convention in North America, featuring anime, manga, gaming, comics, and a special Sunday panel session with yours truly. More »